Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
this beer tastes like vomit already
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
