Pappa wants mamma naked
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
