finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I wish there were birth control emojis
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
