my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
