Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
