threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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