I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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