4 words: hood of his car
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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