I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
