I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
