I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
