There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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