he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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