i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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