On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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