theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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