Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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