I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
