she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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