Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
