we have officially lost it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
