If that was your dad, he is hot
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
