youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
