Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
