On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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