considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
