I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
