he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
