i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
pray to the hookup gods
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
