I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
