Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
