apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
