i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
