There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
