The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the day after is always just damage control
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
