I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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