Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
