I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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