I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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