Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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