i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
