don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
