I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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