Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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