flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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