the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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