Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize