dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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