tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
