I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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