I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
