meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
