Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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