"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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